Love Like A Lemon
by Lily Potter-Malfoy
Summary: What would happen if, instead of giving Havoc to Armstrong in episode 37, Farman had taken an opposite course and, urged by a bet, invited Sheska? SheskaxHavoc RoyxRiza,
1. In which there is pie

Lily: one of my favorite FMA pairing s ever

…period…

Dot, dot, dot, exclamation point

Please enjoy

* * *

**Lemon 01: In which there is Pie**

_It lies curled and dormant within every person, sleeping and waiting for the right time to awaken. And when that time comes it begins to unfurl, spreading slowly but surely through the heart, painful and burning like thousands of white hot needles. Yet it is also beautiful, like the petals of a flower slowly unfolding as it blooms. Suddenly the heart overrides the brain and everything feels like it may be the end or the beginning and it's exhilarating and terrifying and you want it to end but you also want it to keep going. It's the kind of feeling that tears you apart from within and makes everything seem like it's irrelevant next to it. It's love unlike any other. The kind that can live forever or die painfully. It's love with two sides, a sweetness and a sting. _

_It's love like a lemon…_

_

* * *

_

It was the general consensus of the entire office under the command of Colonel Roy Mustang that it was a monumental mistake to ever allow one's significant other within a ten foot radius of said commander. Roy Mustang had an effortless charm that seemed to paralyze women and render them dumb and drooling over him with a single glance. It was also agreed among the men in the office that, though they all knew not to bring their significant others to meet their commanding officer, it always seemed to happen one way or another. And the one it had happened to countless times among the men under Mustang's command was Jean Havoc.

The tall blonde chain smoker was not unattractive as it were, but he seemed entirely unable to compete with his somewhat vertically challenged, pale, dark haired commander. Every time he got a new girlfriend she always ended up meeting Roy one way or another and dumping him because she was infatuated with the commander.

"It really isn't fair" Havoc muttered as he drooped in his chair on a snowy Monday. Breda looked over and sighed sympathetically,

"Mustang Taisa again?" he said, Havoc groaned and whipped out another cigarette. Fury laughed and patted his dejected coworker on the back,

"That's alright Havoc, you'll find another one" he said, but the effect was slightly ruined as he was snickering. Breda smirked at Fury,

"Stop laughing you idiot, you haven't even HAD a girlfriend yet…EVER!" he said. Fury flushed bright red and retreated to his desk muttering. Farman, ever the stick in the mud, looked up from his paperwork

"Well Havoc, if you want to keep your girlfriends why don't you try getting a woman who isn't shallow and air-headed enough to just drop you for someone they find more attractive." Havoc groaned and rolled his eyes to the heavens,

"But that's the problem" he said mournfully "all the hot ones are air-headed and shallow! All the other ones are weird and clingy and nerdy! I like my women a little more…sexy than that" a smile appeared on his face as he thought of his multitudes of girlfriends. All had been physically attractive, Havoc considered himself a man whose biggest turn on was a nice body. He loved holding on to a nice behind, or subtly ogling really nice breasts. It was just sad that all the attractive ones were in love with Mustang.

"You know Lieutenant, looks aren't everything" Hawkeye said tersely from her desk. Havoc glanced over at her, Hawkeye was an attractive woman, he decided, only he didn't go for gun toting drill sergeant types. Also it was some sort of unspoken rule that no one touched Hawkeye, partly because all the men wanted to walk out of the office every day with their genitals intact and partly because everyone was sure that Mustang and Hawkeye were meant for each other but were far too much in denial to realize it.

"They are to me…" Havoc mumbled and stood up.

"I'm off…gotta go walk off this depression." He said and exited the office. The remaining officers exchanged looks

"How much do you want to bet he'll come back with another one?" Breda said, immediately three hands holding money appeared before him, all of them looked shocked at Hawkeye who smiled slightly and shrugged,

"No need not to take part when I know it's true" she said. They all broke into a laugh. Just then Mustang walked in and saw them all laughing and holding money in their hands,

"Did Havoc lose another one?" he asked. Everyone started laughing again.

* * *

Down the hallway Havoc was having a hard time relaxing. It seemed that Mustang had just made his way down the hall and all the women, attractive and not, were outside squealing gleefully with each other over him. Havoc made his way unnoticed by the multitudes of girls towards the cafeteria, deciding that absolutely nothing but a slice of Myrtle's, the grisly old military chef, special lemon meringue pie could clear his depression.

* * *

Cheska couldn't believe her bad fortune, just as she had found it, the book she had been on the trail of for _months_, a horde of her fellow female coworkers had stampeded out of the library…including the librarian. The book she wanted was nestled safely behind the two locked strips of metal (there to hold the books in the shelf in case of attack on the city) and the key to the lock was dangling off of the missing librarian's waist. The frizzy haired girl sighed and turned to leave the library, a frown marking her bespectacled face.

She had woken up feeling very good that morning, so good, in fact, that she had felt it absolutely necessary to wear her prettiest and most flattering white shirt to work. She had specially pressed her skirt and worn the nice new high heeled shoes her mother had sent her (in hopes that some man would notice how lovely her feet looked in them).

"And all for nothing" she muttered, slouching to the cafeteria. No matter how many calories it had, nothing but the head chef's special lemon meringue pie could make her forget her depression.

* * *

"Lose another one?" Myrtle tsked and sliced out a large piece of pie from its foil dish. Havoc gave her a sheepish smile half annoyed that she knew him so well and half grateful that she did know him well enough to always have a pie on layaway.

"I tell you Havoc-san, you need to find a nice girl who will stay with you. That last girl you brought in here was nothing but blonde hair, big tits, and no brains. You need someone smart since you're such an idiot" the old woman smiled fondly at him as she served him his pie.

Havoc felt his heart rate increase and smirked, yes, Myrtle's lemon meringue pie was his one true love, forget women!

"Sumimasen…Myrtle-chan?" Havoc looked over in the direction of the dejected voice.

'_Where have I seen her before…?' _he thought as he studied the girl who had walked in. She was around his age, maybe younger, her hair was almost embarrassingly frizzy and her face was dominated by a pair of enormous square black glasses. He shrugged and went back to his pie; the girl wasn't his type anyway.

"Ano…excuse me….um…Mr.….?" Havoc looked up and nearly spit out his mouthful of pie as the girl who had previously been at least five feet away from him was now standing hardly three inches away.

"I-it's Havoc…Lt. Havoc" he managed to cough out, regaining his composure. Up close the girl had a sprinkling of freckles across her nose and very light circles around her eyes, as if she didn't sleep very much.

"Ah…um, Lt. Havoc, sorry to pry but…is that…is that Myrtle-chan's lemon meringue pie?" she pointed at his half eaten confection, Havoc nodded hesitantly.

"AAAAH!" the girl screamed, flinging her arms up in the air and waving them about madly, Havoc jumped for the second time in a few minutes and watched as she did a little dance right in front of him,

"Isn't it the BEST THING EVER!" the girl was very close to him again and suddenly she wasn't so very shy.

"The flavor is just right! The extreme sweetness with just the right amount of lemon zest! Sweet but sharp at the same time, dissolving and slowly becoming even sweeter in your mouth as the enzymes in your saliva begin to break it down!"

"Oi Cheska-chan, you're scaring the man!" Havoc turned and nearly sighed in relief when he saw Myrtle emerging from the kitchen.

"But Myrtle-chan, I was only trying to share my love of your pie with him! Why should he be scared?"

"See Cheska-chan, this is the way you scare off all those nice boys I line up for you"

"They couldn't have been very nice if they all stood me up!"

"They wouldn't run off so fast if they knew you outside of your…_moments_"

"But…moments are part of my essential being! Having moments is part of who I am!"

Havoc stared back and forth between the two females and, deciding that neither seemed to be making much sense, went back to eating his pie.

* * *

"Who is that girl?"

"I don't know…but she sure isn't _his _type…"

"That's Cheska…she's the one who restored all those library documents and books that were burned in that fire."

Fury, Breda, and Farman stood clustered behind the door to the cafeteria. Wanting to complete their bet in a hurry (and to watch Havoc wallow in his rejection as that was always amusing), the three men had followed their depressed coworker to the place everybody knew he went when he was unhappy.

But instead of watching the tall blond lieutenant inhaling lemon meringue pie like it was oxygen while looking appropriately glum for one who has just been dumped for another man who-happens-to-be-their-commanding-officer, they were treated to the bizarre sight of Cheska twirling around the room ranting about something or other, and Havoc looking mildly befuddled.

As disappointing as not seeing the look of utter rejection on the blonde's handsome face was, his "friends" wanted to see what exactly was going on. The girl who was talking to, or rather _at_, Havoc wasn't the busty, generically pretty type the man usually went for. Fury took in her huge square glasses, Breda raised an eyebrow at her thick frizzy hair trying to escape from the elastic band holding it, and Farman observed her lack of makeup and frilly female accessories. In fact, the girl looked to be exactly the bookish, weird, and clingy type that Havoc avoided like the plague.

"So what's he doing with her?" Fury asked, watching as Cheska stopped dancing to rant about something or other.

"I don't know…maybe he's desperate" Breda sniggered and Farman hit him over the head,

"That wasn't very nice Lieutenant Breda…I'm sure Lieutenant Havoc could fall in love with her without being desperate!" he cried.

"Do I smell a bet?" Breda smirked as he held the top of his head. Fury smiled,

"Smells like a bet to me" he said eagerly. Farman tried to keep the disapproving frown on his face but a light of interest was creeping into his eyes,

"What about our other bet with First Lieutenant Hawkeye?" he asked cautiously.

"Pfft, we can tell her that he didn't get a girl so none of us won" Breda said dismissively. Farman hesitated for a minute,

"There'll be big money on the line…" Breda wheedled. Farman's eyes lit up,

"How much are we talking?" he asked, Fury whipped out his money

"10,000 cenz that he'll forget about her within a month!" he said.

"10,000 cenz that he'll forget her within a week!" Breda said confidently, both of his coworkers looked at him incredulously

"Aren't you giving Havoc too little credit?" Fury said. Breda just smirked,

"Come on Warrant Officer…place your bet!" he said, Farman thought for a moment before smiling and bringing out his own money

"10,000 cenz that he'll remember who she is for longer than one month for purposes other than getting into her skirt." He said. Fury and Breda stared at him, mouths agape, for around five full minutes and then…

Then they both broke into laughter.

"Lieutenant Jean Havoc under the command of Colonel Roy Mustang the lady killing girlfriend stealer? Jean Havoc who has dated over fifty different women within one year? Jean Havoc who HAS to have a girlfriend or he feels like a failure? THAT Jean Havoc **not **wanting to get into a girl's, even hers, skirt? That's so laughable it's sad" Breda gasped through his laughter,

"Farman-san, I think you've giving Havoc _too much _credit!" Fury said. Farman shrugged and turned back to the scene in the cafeteria,

"We'll see..." he murmured

"We'll see."

Lily: INDEED we will see. Um, sorry if I got the ranks a little wrong, I looked it up as best I could. Also, the spellings of their names might be off for some since there are like ten billion ways to spell their names. I hope you liked, stay tuned for chapter 2!


	2. In which there is plotting

Lily: the mac daddy make ya! JUMP! JUMP! - -'''

So! I'm back! With! Chapter! TWO! Clap for me!

Love like a Lemon is love that is both sweet and sour at the same time…it's like eating a lemon, sometimes it can get too sour so you want to stop, but then you taste the sweetness and you want it to continue. It's something that you can either really hate or become addicted to and love forever. Love like a lemon can be refreshing and zesty but also bitter. It's like a two sided coin, a good and a bad, a Jekyll and Hyde, and so on and so forth. Anyway, sorry for the error with Sheska's name, I fixed it in this chappie. I hope you like it.

* * *

**Lemon 02: In which there is plotting**

"Do you think he's dying?"

"No idiot he can't do **that**"

"Why not?"

"Because then the bet would be off!"

Fury and Breda sat in the office throwing glances at Havoc every so often. In the past week, Havoc-the-recently-dumped had slowly become Havoc-the-mindless-vegetable. Not having a girlfriend was really taking the life out of the chain-smoking lieutenant and everybody, even Mustang-the-Oblivious-woman stealer, noticed.

"What's wrong with him?" Hawkeye peered into his unfocused eyes and waved a hand in front of his slack face.

"He hasn't had any female comfort for a whole week…he's going into withdrawal" Breda said carelessly. Hawkeye immediately drew back, a disgusted look crossing her features before returning to her usual impassive face.

"Very well, as long as he makes up his work later on…" she said a little stiffer than she usually would have. Breda shrugged and turned to his own work.

"No, that won't do at all!" everyone (but the halfway comatose Havoc of course) turned to Mustang who had suddenly slammed down his hand on his desk and begun to talk.

"Warrant Officer Farman!" he cried, Farman stood at attention,

"This has gone on long enough! If Havoc is too pathetic to get a woman on his own then, for the sake of his work, **you **must find him one!" Roy pounded the desk again for emphasis.

"m-me…sir?" Farman asked,

"YES! This is a mission!" Roy sat back down in his chair, picked up his paper, and began to read.

"b-but sir…" Farman tried to protest, Roy rattled the paper warningly and Farman straightened and saluted,

"Permission to begin mission sir!" he said miserably. Fury and Breda snickered behind his back and Hawkeye cast disapproving looks at them.

"Permission granted…oh and, you have the rest of the week to do this, I'm sure Lieutenants Fury and Havoc could do your papers…" Roy responded absently. Farman fought to contain his smirk and gathered his things. Coffee shops were always good places to er…."start missions" (aka get a late breakfast).

* * *

Sheska groaned and dragged a hand through her hair. It had been a terrible morning. She had stayed up reading three or so books and had only gotten half an hour of sleep since she forgot that she had to wake up earlier than usual and open the office for some higher-up in the military…some Archer something. So she had awoken to the blaring of her alarm and had hurriedly thrown on some clothes and brushed her teeth promising to take care of everything else during her lunch break.

Now she was slumped tiredly over her desk, face greasy and wan, hair a bristle bush sticking up from her scalp, and clothes a wrinkled and sloppy mess.

The clock chimed twelve and her tired eyes shifted eagerly towards the noise.

"Ah! Thank goodness! Now to run back home!" she cried and dashed out of the office.

* * *

Farman sighed and sat back to enjoy his tea. Sometimes Mustang's natural "evade-doing-actual-work" instinct could really come in handy. Finding a girlfriend for Havoc wouldn't be any problem. There were so many young women in Central who would probably love to date a handsome young man like Havoc, it also helped that he was in the military. All he had to do was proposition one innocently enough and show them a picture of the blonde and they would instantly be love (or lust) struck.

"Havoc that lucky bastard…the pretty ones really do have it easy" Farman muttered, sipping his tea.

"IIIITTTTAAAAIIII!" a crash and the sound of several books, and perhaps a human body, falling disturbed the quiet atmosphere of the café. Farman looked over and nearly spit out his tea when he saw what was going on.

On the floor were several heavy books and some papers, and along with them, desperately trying to save her precious treasures form getting dirty, was Sheska. The man she had bumped into was scowling down at her,

"Hey little girlie, you should watch where you're going!" he snarled, his friends joined in with a chorus of affirmative grunts.

"If you like to read so much, read up on how to make yourself prettier!" he continued, his friends roared with laughter and he smirked.

"Yeah! Ugly girls like you should have to wear masks or something!" one of the man's goons said, and the whole group of them erupted in cruel guffaws again. Farman frowned, never one to encourage bullying, especially bullying of a girl, he found the situation deeply upsetting. He could see the beginnings of tears in Sheska's eyes and marched over.

"Excuse me gentlemen, is there a problem over here?" he said in his best imitation of Mustang when he was mad. At once the men's leers disappeared and the one who had started all the mockery nervously stepped back,

"We weren't doing anything sir…" he said, beady eyes looking anywhere but Farman.

"Then why…" Farman asked, his voice full of Mustang-esque scorn "is this girl crying?"

And indeed Sheska had been silently crying on the floor, shivering over her dirtied books.

"I don't know! Ask her!" the man clearly did not know how to handle the contained fury Farman was directing at him. The warrant officer observed, with an outwards cold smirk, that the man had broken out in a sweat and his eyes were getting dodgier.

"Sir, can I ask your name?" Farman said, injecting menace into his voice and, if possible, directing an even colder glare at the man.

"b-but we weren't doing a-anything a-and" Farman smirked and decided to deliver his last blow,

"Sir…if you won't give me your name then, perhaps you'd like to take a stroll with me…" he said. The man and his friends gave a shout and ran off.

The café erupted in cheers and Farman let his Mustang façade slip off. He smiled down at Sheska,

"Sheska-san…are you all right?" he asked, extending a hand to help her get up. Sheska looked at him, tears in her eyes, and presented him with a slightly dusty book with a scratch in its cover

"L-look! Look at what those jerks did to my b-book!" she said. Farman relaxed, leave it to Sheska to worry more about her books than what people said about her.

"Well, now that I know you're ok, I've got to be getting back" Farman smiled at her once more and turned to leave the café.

It was only when he was in the office removing his jacket and getting down to work that he remembered his bet.

Suddenly he stood up and rushed out of the room.

"Must…find…Sheska!" he muttered. He was so focused on finding her that he didn't pay any attention to where he was going or who strayed into his path. That's why he ended up bowling into someone as he ran and hearing the sound of books dropping for the second time that day.

"AAAAAGFH!" a familiar squeal reached his ears and when he regained his balance he turned and saw, for the second time that day, Sheska bent over picking up a book.

"Gomen-nasai Sheska-san…" he said and picked up her book for her. The bushy haired girl adjusted her glasses and smiled at him,

"No-no, it's fine! Oh! I forgot to thank you for today at the café! You really saved me! Those guys were so scary!" she said. Farman regarded her as she spoke.

Sheska wasn't ugly…not exactly. She could be more accurately described as frumpish, lacking the frills and sparkle that made most other women attractive. Without the layers of makeup and without the hair clips, and shiny things other women wore, Sheska was like a wooden doll that had yet to be painted. But behind her enormous black glasses she had lovely wide eyes of a deep green color, and Farman was sure that _somebody _could tame the slightly horrifying tangle she called her hair. What was it women did with it? Starking? Starching? Straightening! That was it! He was sure someone could maybe straighten it and brush it…at least so it resembled hair more than a thorn bush.

Sheska also had nice facial features, she would never be beautiful like Winry or Gracia (or even Hawkeye which no one would ever utter out loud for fear of death) but she could be very attractive. The best part about Sheska was that all of her womanly assets were visible and somewhat attractive even without all the lace and frills. Farman sighed, but Havoc was an idiot who needed blatant visual evidence.

'but all that comes later…first he needs to get to know her **without **dating her…now how to go about making that happen…' he thought.

"Farman-san? Are you okay?" Sheska was speaking; Farman shook his head and smiled at her,

"I'm sorry…am I keeping you from leaving? Actually it's about time you went home right? Got a hot date tonight?" he said, smiling. Sheska snorted,

"I wish!" she said and immediately blushed.

"I MEAN! Er…no, I haven't….I don't have anything to do tonight really so you're not holding me up," Farman felt a smirk begin to creep onto his face and he stopped it. No need to make her suspicious.

"Say Sheska…if you're not doing anything tonight, why don't you go somewhere with me? I'll be bored without anything to do or anyone to do it with," a plan was already forming in his head as he spoke and that smirk was getting harder to contain.

Sheska thought for a minute,

"Okay!" she said happily.

"Well how about we meet at C'est l'amour at 7:00?" he asked and once again she agreed.

"Then I'll be seeing you tonight! I've gotta get back to work so I'll let you go now…" he waved at her and she happily skipped off.

The smirk he had been slowly losing against won its battle and slid across his face.

"Ah Sheska-san…I hate to do this to you but I'm afraid it won't be me you'll be dining with tonight!" he mumbled, a diabolical look in his eyes

"There'll be a surprise waiting at that restaurant tonight; for one frizzy haired Sheska and for our little blonde you-know-who!" he laughed a little and turned back to his office, ignoring the strange looks everyone who had overheard his "internal" monologue.

It was going to be a long night.

Lily: Very long indeed XDDDD

C'est l'amour means "its love" pretty much…do you sense something coming?

Reviews and Questions and Love letters and threats and flames and internet telemarketing and ads and other things are all welcome…by me…perhaps not by love you all reviewers!


	3. In which there is Fornication

Lily: KON-BAN-WA! I decided I felt good (from watching "Delightful girl Chun-Hyang" today) and since I felt good, anyone reading this fic should feel good too! And the only way I knew how to do THAT was to write another chapter! HOORAY FOR DRAMAS!

Anyway, erm…I hope you like this, I think I'm moving slowly, but maybe it will pick up in pace. Yyyyyyeah, enough lollygagging, this isn't the good bit anyway.

Enjoy

* * *

**Lemon 03: In which there is Fornication**

In a small office room deep in the bowels of Central Headquarters four humans and what seemed to be a giant suit of armor were huddled close together. If anyone looked inside they would be greeted with what appeared to be a conspiracy within the military, that and the rather unnerving sight of a talking, moving suit of armor. Fortunately, the only conspiracy in the military was not happening amongst this motley group of people (not yet anyway); no, this gathering was for a purpose vastly unrelated to usurping the Fuhrer or any such seditious activities, it was on the mission Colonel Mustang himself had titled "The Havocsperience". The plan was just about ready to be put in action and a last minute overview was commencing.

"I don't see why I have to do this…"

"Nii-san, don't be mean, this is for Havoc-san!"

"So! Why can't he get a woman on his own? It's pathetic that we have to help him!"

"That's what I said!"

"No one asked you Honoo no baka-san"

"Oy…Hagane no chibi…"

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A SPECK OF RICE SO TINY YOU WANT TO STEP ON IT!"

"Please calm down everyone! NOW! Let's go over the plan one more time"

"I _still _don't see…"

"NII-SAN!"

"Fine, fine…7:10 pm, administer sleeping agent to Havoc's drink at the bar. 7:15 pm meet with Mustang-baka and deposit Havoc promptly in his apartment…taku…damn Havoc's woman problem…who needs women anyway…"

"MOVING ON! 7:25 pm, Landlady calls C'est L'amour and asks to speak to man under reservation of Farman"

"Do we have the landlady informed of everything?"

"Yes, I called her about it earlier today."

"Perfect…what next?"

"7:30 pm, Mustang-Taisa calls from the office, urgent business that needs immediate attention"

"7:45 pm, extraction at HQ then promptly to lookout point across the street"

"7:50 pm, **'Babe Parade: Ero-Ero Paradise' **hits Johnnie's Adult Literature and Commodities store on fifth street"

-click-

"…"

"Hawkeye-san please put the gun away"

"Anyway…have we all got what we're doing?"

"HAI!"

"Alright then men,"

"AHEM"

"Er…people…move out!"

"RYOUKAI!"

* * *

Sheska decided that pants really weren't the way to go if she was going out to a nice restaurant for dinner. She didn't want to look as if she was going on a date because she wasn't; she was going to have a good time with her friend and then come home and read a book until she fell asleep. But the only problem was that she hadn't anything informal to wear, NOTHING. She had her work clothes, her stay at home clothes, and her super formal funeral/family dinner clothes. She wasn't a girl who had clothes for any other occasion than the bare basics and that was just now becoming a problem.

"AAAAAU MOU!" she cried, throwing down the last a flowered cardigan her mother had thought would look nice on her (it had made her look like someone's grandmother). Nothing she had in her little closet could possibly be worn out on the type of outing she was going on.

"I knew I should have bought that outfit I saw the other day!" she moaned. Sighing, she turned around to view the bomb site that her room had become. Clothes littered the floor, panties and bras, thrown out of the drawers in her rush to find something to wear, were strewn haphazardly on the bed and the chairs.

"What am I going to do?" she mumbled dejectedly. She bent to pick up some clothes just as the doorbell rang.

"Aiyah…Who could that be…" she walked to her door and opened it, expecting some sort of book delivery or perhaps a person with the wrong address (she always got that).

"KONBANWA SHESKA-CHAN!"

"EH! Myrtle-chan!" Sheska stood aside for the large cafeteria lady to enter.

"Wh-what are you doing here?" she asked once Myrtle was inside the house and she had closed the door. Instead of answering, Myrtle stood ad made her way towards Sheska's room. Immediately Sheska's face colored, it was such a mess in there!

"Um! Myrtle-chan please it's very messy in there! Ano…it's not very nice to look at you know, I can make tea and we can sit out here where it's clean and…" she trailed off as Myrtle entered her room anyway.

"woooo tsk tsk tsk, you've really hit your wardrobe hard!" Myrtle said, emitting a low whistle upon viewing the mess.

"And it looks like you didn't find a single thing to wear! Luckily I foresaw this!" Myrtle turned and reached into her large bag. Sheska looked puzzled,

"What do you have there Myrtle-chan?" she asked.

Myrtle smirked and began to advance on her, Sheska gulped. Something told her that whatever was in that bag was unlike anything she had ever submitted herself to before.

And the slightly maniacal look in Myrtle's eyes did nothing to reassure her either.

* * *

The bar, "Exotica", was a den of strange alcoholic beverages, barely dressed women, and less than legal merchandise. It wasn't very reputable, but it was the only bar close enough to both Havoc's apartment and C'est L'amour. Edward really didn't want to go inside, but he would have to or face the wrath of all of his teammates. He approached the bright red and blue flashing sign that displayed a naked woman and the club's name and scowled. He didn't know anything about women ad he certainly didn't want to see one naked, he hoped tonight was some sort of…"get hammered but do no hammering" night as he didn't think he could stand the sight of a man and a woman…publicly fornicating.

He sighed and turned to his silent companion.

"Havoc-san…what do you want to drink?"

"Listen Edward-kun…I realize Hawkeye and the rest of them bullied you into coming out with me tonight and I have to say I'm really grateful…but having a kid around…"

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A ULTRA SUPER HYPER CHIBI TOO SHORT TO REACH…"

"EDWARD-KUN! I didn't say that…it's just…you're underage, and I have no idea why Hawkeye was in on this since you are, and I don't want you to see me how I will be after a few vodka tonics get into my system…"

"It's fine Havoc-san…I'm sure you won't be so bad," Ed said, hiding a smirk and walking inside.

'_Yeah, if everything in this damn plan goes right we can leave this disgusting hole within ten minutes…and what could I possibly witness within that time?'_

It was with this thought that the young state alchemist entered the club and walked straight into a man and a woman having sex against the wall. Just as he was about to let loose a disgusted scream another man came stumbling across his path before tripping and vomiting on the floor, moaning and clutching his stomach; Ed tried to breath in to stop himself from hyperventilating and instead got a face full of purple smoke blown from the chapped lips of a yellow toothed man who was leering at him.

'_Just ten minutes, just ten minutes, just ten minutes' _he repeated over and over in his head, clenching his teeth he moved on to the bar.

Havoc sat down beside him and slapped a hand on the bar top,

"Oy barkeep! I'll have a vodka tonic on the rocks and um…a water with ice" he ordered in the voice of one used to ordering drinks. The barkeep raised his eyebrow at Ed but wisely kept his mouth shut when the blonde shot him a very dangerous look.

Their drinks arrived and Ed decided, after noticing that his "water" was green in color and that his chair was sticky with something he couldn't identify, not to dillydally. He drew in breath and opened his mouth wide in one of his trademark yawns making sure to stretch his arms wide and to knock over his own drink.

"AH! Oops! Gomen gomen!" he cried, watching with an inner smirk as Havoc bent over to wipe the water off his pants. When the older man wasn't looking (and he was pretty sure no one else was either) he slipped the powder he had been holding in a small packet into Havoc's drink.

"That's alright Edward-kun…" Havoc said and, as Ed had been hoping, took a large gulp of his drink to finish it off.

"Barkeep!" he called and jiggled his glass, signaling that he wanted another. Ed glanced at his watch, 7:10, perfect timing…now to wait until the sleep drug started to work

"Ah Edward-kun, I feel sort of sleep…"

-thunk-

Ed smirked.

The Havocsperience part: 01 was complete.

Lily: nyanya! Five pages isn't much but hey! It isn't over yet! I'll probably put another chapter up V. soon as this fic is really addicting to write and I hope it's addicting to read. I'd like to thank all the reviewers…them and Aoyama Sota who is the sexiest thing the Tenimyu stages have EVER seen. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

also, for those of you who don't read Naruto...yes, "Ero-Ero Paradise" does come from something. It's a sort of spoof on Kakashi's "Icha-Icha Paradise" it made me happy to use it

Anyway, next chapter is! The Havocsperience continues! Sheska gets kinky (or not….hehehhe). Havoc is sexy! And more randomness.

This is a fic that is a long "Randonee" through the forests of mucho bizzarity. Comme les Anges we will sing for it! And sing in a choir made to carry this fic past my usual level of insanity and into some semblance of order!

I hope y'all enjoyed!


	4. In which there is Vulgarity

Lily: hooray for made up plan names! Personally I think that Mustang Taisa needs to apply his creative energies to…other pursuits, if y'all catch my drift. In other news…there will be a spark of a hint of the almost beginning of romance…watch for it!

Anyways, thanks to all the reviewers…you fuel my fire, and thanks for all the advice and interesting comments! I hope you enjoy!

Plz enjoy

* * *

**Lemon 04: In which there is vulgarity  
**

The dormitory building where Jean Havoc resided was a small but neat place which he specifically chose to live in for it's proximity to Central HQ. The blonde man wasn't very prone to oversleeping, but when he did he liked to know that work was just a mad dash down two blocks away.

Edward Elric was now eternally grateful for his coworker's choice of living space as it was even closer to the downtown part of Central city and thus also very close to the club Exotica from which Ed was dragging Havoc's unconscious form.

"Where is that f-cking Mustang-baka!" he groaned, hefting the dead weight of Havoc on his back and trying to ignore the suspicious looks sent his way.

It was nearing the appointed time for Havoc to be safely dumped at his apartment but the state-alchemist was still making his way slowly from the club. He would never admit it out loud but Edward really was too small to bear the significantly taller man on his back.

"Ugh! Where could he BE?" Ed cried as Havoc slipped off his back once again.

-At Johnnie's Adult Literature and Commodities store-

"Awww come on! I know that you have it in the back! Why not just…ya know…sell me an early release. It's not that much ahead of everyone else!"

The missing colonel was currently trying to wheedle the newest edition of "Babe Parade" from the stony faced owner of his favorite stand. He leaned across the counter and covertly slid 1000 cenz across the table,

"_Come oooonnn_" he said, the store owner just raised an eyebrow at the money. Roy waited for a minute before groaning and taking it back,

"Listen you low level porn distributor! I'm trying to get myself a copy of that magazine before it sells out like it did the last time and I had to wait a month to get it! I have something _very _important I'm doing now and…and…" Roy trailed off and stood back up from his leaning position. Slowly he checked his watch and when he saw the time, the pale man became even paler.

"Oh mother f--"

-Back with Ed-

"F-CKER!" Ed cried at the car that had just passed him and had purposely swerved to hit a slimy puddle of what probably used to be water just to splash him. Now he was soaked with the revolting stuff, it was 7:17…he was late.

"Taku…I hope Hawkeye-san shoots him right in his stinking smirking face!" he muttered choosing to blame Mustang for all of his current misfortune.

"Hello there pretty lady…you're looking really tashty fried dangoooo" Havoc suddenly muttered. Ed rolled his eyes and hiked the blonde further up on his back, if this is what adults did for fun then he would stick to his books thank-you-very-much.

"Hagane noooooo!" a familiar voice suddenly called. Ed's head snapped up and his eyes darkened when he saw Mustang running towards him.

"YOU STINKING GOOD FOR NOTHING RAT!" Ed yelled, glaring daggers at the dark haired man,

"Where…" he said dangerously "have you been?"

Roy immediately looked uncomfortable and he refused to meet Ed's smoldering golden eyes,

"Uhm…let me take Havoc-san off your back…I'll carry him for the rest of the way…" he said overenthusiastically. Ed narrowed his eyes but let Roy take the unconscious man and hoist him onto his own back.

"This is going to be hard…why does Havoc have to be so damn…big" Roy muttered, avoiding saying tall which would imply that he himself wasn't adequate height and that was unacceptable. Ed smirked, catching the unsaid comment, and began to run

"Oy! Hagane no!" Roy called after him.

"We have to hurry! He needs to be there before 7:20!" Ed called back, still running. Roy groaned and hiked Havoc's body up once

"Damn chibi…" he moaned under his breath and took off at a run.

* * *

Sheska couldn't quite understand why people never knew what looked good on her. All her life her mother and her sisters and even her brothers had bought a myriad of clothes and accessories, none of which looked any good on her. She herself had decided that plain and nondescript was the style that suited her frumpish looks and average figure. 

It appeared, however, that she was very wrong about herself. She didn't know why Myrtle knew what looked good on her and she didn't, but she was grateful that the older woman did.

She stood in her room in front of her full length mirror and did a once over of herself.

Her hair had been brushed so that it shone and then it had been tied back into a sleek bun at the back of her head. Her fringe had been trimmed and parted to one side.

Nothing could be done about her glasses right away so she still wore them, but behind the enormous black frames Myrtle had applied mascara and eye shadow to her eyes and lashes. Sheska had refused any makeup aside from that and some sweet smelling lip balm that tasted like candy.

She wore a simple black long sleeved dress which showed her bare shoulders and ended just below mid thigh. With that she wore long black stockings and on her feet were dainty emerald ballet flats. She would carry a small black drawstring bag with her, when she had complained that there was no room for a book in it, Myrtle had retorted that she was going out to have fun with her friend and **not **to read.

Myrtle had left her house with a cheery reminder to let herself have fun and just relax (or else) just over ten minutes ago. Sheska checked her wall clock, 7:02, she was late! She gasped and grabbed her keys, dashing out of the house; she locked the door and ran across the street. Luckily for her, C'est L'amour was very close to her house so she didn't have to run too far.

'I hope I look good!' she thought as she dashed past a group of men on their way to the bar. She didn't hear them making catcalls at her and if she did, she probably thought they were just joking.

* * *

Farman sighed and checked his watch, 7:05, he was nervous. He knew that Roy had probably screwed up some way or another just because Roy Mustang was not one to keep to plans of this nature; also his favorite magazine was being released tonight. All those factors combined made a mixture for one big screw up, Farman groaned and shook his head; he needed to pay attention to his part of the plan so at least **that **would go right. 

"Farman-san!" he heard a familiar voice call, he turned and saw Sheska running towards him.

"Oh hello Sheska-san…" he said absentmindedly glancing away from her. And then his brain caught up to his eyes and he did a double-take.

He had known that Sheska would be pretty if someone cleaned her up a little but he didn't have any idea that she could come out looking _this _good. He stopped himself from gaping and smiled kindly, reminding himself that the plan was for Sheska to get together with **Havoc**, commented on her attire.

"You look very nice tonight Sheska-san" he said and watched her blush shyly with an inner smile,

"You do too Farman-san…now let's have a seat" she replied. They chose an outdoors table at Farman's request (in accordance to the Havocsperience plan) and seated themselves. Farman checked his watch, 7:20, five minutes.

"So Sheska-san, what do you usually do on Fridays if you don't go out?" he asked. Immediately Sheska brightened,

"Well, you know I really love to read so I set up challenges for myself. Every weekend I get ten books I've never read and try to read all ten of them within two days! It only never works when I don't find a new book, then I just reread all the old ones" she explained. Farman plastered a smile on his face while thinking

'_She really…really…**really** needs to get out more; hopefully she and Havoc can find enough middle ground to get along' _

"So what do you like to do on weekends Farman-san?" Sheska asked him. Farman hummed in thought; he didn't want to tell him that he went out to bars with his friends and picked up girls on occasion. What _did _people do when they weren't at parties or bars?

"I like to try out new recipes since I'm a bachelor and I need to know how to cook…" he finally said. Sheska smiled brightly at him,

"That sounds like fun! You know I once read a cook book detailing exactly the process of…"

"Excuse me…" Sheska was interrupted by a waiter, Farman looked up at him

"There is a phone call for a Mister…Farman?"

'_Show time' _Farman thought excusing himself from the table and following the man to the back to answer the phone.

* * *

When they reached Havoc's apartment, they found the rather attractive landlady waiting for them, twirling a ring of keys around one finger. Immediately Roy's Babe-dar began to flash and he zeroed in on her. Ed, completely without the aforementioned mechanism was left to gape in wonderment as Roy flirted up a storm within ten seconds. 

"What the…" Ed mumbled, completely astonished at Roy's 180 transformation from the louse he was at the office to the fast talking lady killer "Mustang Taisa-sama" he was at the moment. But it wasn't only the fact that Roy had made such a change, it was the obvious infatuation the landlady radiated within ten seconds of speaking to him. Ed shook his head,

"Adults" he murmured and cleared his throat. Immediately the two older people snapped to attention, the landlady blushed and Roy, looking slightly annoyed, hoisted Havoc up higher on his shoulders.

"Let's get to it then…I believe I can trust this…lovely lady…to call Farman at C'est L'amour." Roy said, throwing one last look at the landlady who blushed even brighter and nodded fervently before going off to perform her task.

Ed rolled his eyes and went inside the building behind Roy.

"This is a pretty nice place…" Roy mumbled, glancing around the lobby,

"Nice and clean…I never lived anywhere this nice when I was his rank!" Ed snorted and shook his head,

"you probably were never in a rank long enough to hold a living space befitting it…I bet the military higher-ups decided that it'd be better to keep you in the cheapest housing they could find until you were in a position you could keep for a while and _then _move you up" he said. Roy scowled but said nothing. They had reached Havoc's floor and were walking along the row of similar navy blue doors looking for Havoc's own room.

"Ok let's see…167…168...169! Here it is!" Ed exclaimed, pulling out the key to the room (he had gotten it from Havoc's pocket earlier) and inserting it into the lock. Roy smirked,

"169…ironic number isn't it?" he murmured, chuckling slightly. Ed looked up at him as if he were crazy and raised an eyebrow,

"What's so ironic about it?" he asked, clearly believing Roy had gone slightly insane. The older man shot a half puzzled look at Ed,

"One-**SIXTY-NINE** Edward-kun!" he said. When Ed sent an even more confused look at him, Roy simply sighed and shook his head,

"Children…" he said exasperatedly and walked into the room. Ed stood outside growling for a minute,

"Like adults are any better…" he mumbled mutinously before going inside as well.

* * *

"Sheska-san…I'm afraid we'll have to cut our outing a bit short for now…" Sheska looked up at Farman's apologetic face. It had been less than a minute since he had left to answer the phone call and he had just returned. 

"What's happened?" she asked worriedly, Farman sighed,

"It seems that one of my friends has fallen very ill. He went out tonight, for Fuhrer-knows what reason, and it seems that it was too much for him to take. His landlady just called, he's managed to stumble into his room but she's worried that he won't be able to take care of himself tonight" he said. Sheska frowned in sympathy,

"Well, let's go in and check up on him shall we?" she said, standing up. Farman silently congratulated himself on the plan working thus far and said,

"Are you sure you don't mind?" he was even happier when she shook her head no and stood up to leave.

"So, where does he live?" Sheska asked as they set off, Farman smiled,

"Oh, just around the corner from here," he replied and began to walk. As they approached Havoc's building he saw a flash of a familiar blonde head and red coat and he smirked,

'_Edward-kun and Mustang-Taisa must have just put him in there…oh thank Deuce Mustang-Taisa actually stuck to the plan!' _he thought.

When Farman and Sheska actually reached Havoc's apartment, the first thing they noticed was the fact that the door was not locked. Of course Farman knew that this was part of the plan, to make it look as if Havoc was too sick to actually shut the door after himself. When they walked in the first thing they saw was Havoc sprawled on the floor, half on and half off his couch with his shirt held in his hand and only one shoe off.

'_Edward-kun and Mustang Taisa are really good at this!' _Farman thought. He bent over under the pretense of checking if Havoc was breathing and smiled, not a trace of alcohol on his breath.

"He's still breathing so I suppose he should be okay…but I think he's still feverish. He has a stomach virus you see…" Farman said and, as if on cue, Havoc groaned in his sleep.

"Why don't you change out of that dress in case he decides to throw up and you get hit with it, just use one of his shirts, he won't mind" Farman began to drag Havoc into the bedroom and onto the bed. Sheska blushed,

"Are you sure he won't mind?" she asked hesitantly. Farman smiled at her,

"Of course not! Go ahead; it looks like we'll be here for some time so you'd probably be more comfortable wearing something like a big shirt…also I'd hate to see him vomit all over such a pretty dress" he said. Sheska nodded, grabbed a shirt out of the closet (which was open), and went into the bathroom to change.

"Come on you big lug, time for your act…" Farman murmured to the unconscious Havoc once Sheska was inside the bathroom. He turned to check the clock on the wall, 7:32, Mustang was slightly late but at this stage in the plan it didn't quite matter, everything vital was in place.

The phone rang and Farman smiled and went to pick it up.

"Moshi-moshi?" he said, already knowing who it was.

"Farman-san, we're ready, it's time for you to get out." Ed's voice crackled over the phone, nodding to himself Farman made sure to answer loudly,

"No Havoc-san is…indisposed at the moment…urgent business? But he's not able to…what? Taisa wants _me _to go in his place? But I'm with someone and we have to watch…understood." He hung up the phone and turned around where Sheska stood. Farman noted momentarily that she looked cute in Havoc's oversized shirt before he fixed an apologetic look on his face,

"Sheska-san…" he started but she held up a hand.

"No…I-I heard your conversation. You should go if Mustang Taisa wants you…I'll um, I'll stay with your friend. He is…Lieutenant Havoc right?" she said, Farman nodded,

"Yes, I'll stay with Havoc-san while you go and work. I have a feeling I'll be here 'til morning but then if it's urgent business with the Colonel then you'll probably be up all night too."

Farman gave her a grateful smile,

"Thanks for everything tonight Sheska-san…you've been so accommodating. I'll have to reschedule so we can have a proper outing," he said. Sheska smiled back and walked him to the door and waved goodbye before shutting the door. Farman ran down the hall and out of the building, calling a brief thanks to the landlady.

'_Well Havoc my old friend' _he thought as he ran _'it's all up to you now' _

And indeed back in apartment number 169, the show had just begun.

Lily: Anyway…yeah, I lied about Sheska getting kinky in this chapter…it's in the next one. And don't worry…it isn't as OOC as you think it'll be ya dig? 7 pages…longer than its predecessors but not long enough I'm sure. I think I work myself up to 10-14 pages later on but for now 5-8 is about as much as I can pump out.

…Actually I lied again; this chapter would have been longer only I liked this end too much. For me, finding really good ways to end chapters can be difficult so when I accidentally make one I'm like ZOMG YES! So yeah…

Review plz!


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